Ubu Cucu (Ubu Cuckolded)
Alfred Jarry
From a version by Cyril Connolly
Evergreen Review Vol. 4 No. 13 May/June 1960
Page 139 - 145


ACT I

Scene: Salon in the home of Professor Achras.

ACHRAS: Oh but it's like this, look you, I've no reason to be discontented with 
my polyhedra; they bear their young every six weeks, it's worse than rabbits. 
And it's also quite true to say that the regular polyhedra are the most faithful 
and devoted to their master, except that this morning the Icosahedron was a 
little fractious, so that I was compelled, look you, to give it a slap on each 
one of its faces. And that's the sort of language they understand. And my 
thesis, look you, on the habits of polyhedra-it's getting along nicely, thanks, 
only another twenty-five volumes!

(Enter flunkey.)

FLUNKEY: Sir, there's a fellow out there who wants to have a word with you. He's 
pulled the bell off with ringing, he's broken three chairs trying to sit down.

(He gives Achras a card.)

ACHRAS: What's all this? Monsieur Ubu, sometime King of Poland and Aragon, 
Professor of 'Pataphysics? That makes no sense at all. What's all that about? 
'Pataphysics! Well, never mind, he sounds a person of distinction. I should like 
to make a gesture of good will to this visitor by showing him my polyhedra. Have 
the gentleman come up.

(Enter Poppa Ubu in travelling costume, with a suitcase.)

UBU: Hornstrumpot, Sir! What a miserable kind of hang-out you've got here, we 
have been obliged to ring the bell for more than an hour, and when, finally, 
your servants made up their minds to let us in, we were presented only with an 
orifice so minute that we still don't understand how our strumpot was able to 
navigate it.

ACHRAS: Oh, but it's like this, excuse me. I wasn't at all expecting the visit 
of such a considerable personage . . . otherwise, you can be sure I would have 
had the door enlarged. But you must forgive the absentmindedness of an old 
collector, who is at the same time, I venture to say, a great savant.

UBU: Say that by all means if it gives you any pleasure, but remember that you 
are conversing with a famous pataphysician.

ACHRAS: Excuse me, Sir, you said?

UBU: Pataphysician. 'Pataphysics is a branch of science which we have invented 
and for which a crying need is generally experienced.

ACHRAS: Oh, but it's like this, if you're a famous inventor, we'll understand 
each other, look you, for between great men . . .

UBU: A little more modesty, Sir! Besides, I see no great man here except myself. 
But, since you insist, I have condescended to do you a most signal honour. Let 
it be known to you, Sir, that your house is convenient for us and that we have 
decided to make ourselves at home here.

ACHRAS: Oh, but it's like this, look you . . .

UBU: We will dispense with your expressions of gratitude. Ali, by the way, I 
nearly forgot. Since it is scarcely right that a father should be separated from 
his children, we shall be joined in the immediate future by our family-Madame 
Ubu, and by our dear sons and daughters Ubu. They are very quiet, decent, well-
brought-up folk.

ACHRAS: Oh, but it's like this you see. I'm afraid of . . .

UBU: We quite understand. You're afraid of boring us. All right then, we'll no 
longer tolerate your presence except by our kind permission. One thing more, 
while we are inspecting your kitchens, and your dining-room, you will go and 
look for our three packing-cases of luggage which we have deposited in the hall.

ACHRAS: Oh, but it's like this-that's not a good idea at all to install yourself 
like that with people. It's a manifest imposture.

UBU: A magnificent posture! Exactly, Sir, for once in your life you've spoken 
the truth.

(Exit Achras.)

UBU: Are we right to behave like this? Hornstrumpot, by our Green Candle, let us 
consult our conscience. There it is, in this suitcase, all covered with cobwebs. 
It is obvious that it's of no earthly use.

(He opens the suitcase. Enter Conscience as a big fellow in a nightshirt.)

CONSCIENCE: Sir, and so forth, be so good as to take a few notes.

UBU: Excuse me Sir, we have no fondness for writing, though we have no doubt 
that anything you have to say would be most into-resting. And while we're on the 
subject, I should like to know why you have the cheek to appear before us in 
your shirt?

CONSCIENCE: Sir and so forth, Conscience, like Truth, usually goes without a 
shirt. If I have donned one, it is out of respect for the distinguished 
audience.

UBU: As for that, Mr. or Mrs. Conscience, you're kicking up a great fuss about 
nothing. Answer this question rather. Should I do well to kill Mr. Achras who 
has had the audacity to come and insult me in my own house?

CONSCIENCE: Sir and so forth, to return good with evil is unworthy of a 
civilized man. Mr. Achras has lodged you, Mr. Achras has received you with open 
arms, and made you free of his collection of polyhedra, Mr. Achras, and so 
forth, is a very fine fellow, quite harmless; it would be cowardly and so forth, 
to kill a poor old man incapable of defending himself.

UBU: Hornstrumpot, my good conscience, are you quite sure he can't defend 
himself?

CONSCIENCE: Absolutely, Sir, so it would be a coward's trick to make away with 
him.

UBU: Thank you, Sir, we shan't need you any more. Since there's no risk 
attached, we shall assassinate Mr. Achras, and we shall also make a point of 
consulting you more frequently, for you know how to give us better advice than 
we had anticipated. Now, into the suitcase with you!

(He closes it again.)

CONSCIENCE: In which case, Sir, I think we can leave it at that and so forth, 
for to-day.

(Enter Achras, backwards, prostrating himself with terror before the three red 
packing-cases pushed by the flunkey.)

UBU (to flunkey): Off with you, sloven-and you, Sir, I want a word with you. I 
wish you every kind of prosperity and I beg you, out of your great kindness, to 
perform a friendly service for me.

ACHRAS: Anything, look you, which you can demand from an old professor who has 
consecrated sixty years of his life, look you, to studying the habits of 
polyhedra.

UBU: Sir, we have learnt that our virtuous wife, Madame Ubu, is most abominably 
deceiving us with an Egyptian yclept Memnon, who performs the triple functions 
of a clock at dawn, at night a barrel scavenger, and in the daytime becomes the 
cornutator of our person. Hornstrumpot, we have decided to wreak on him the most 
terrible vengeance!

ACHRAS: As far as that goes, look you, Sir, as to being a cuckold I can 
sympathize with you.

UBU: We have resolved then to inflict a severe punishment. And we can think of 
nothing more appropriate in this case, to chastise the guilty, than the torture 
of Impaling.

ACHRAS: Excuse me, I still don't see very clearly, look you, how I can be of any 
use.

UBU: By our Green Candle, Sir, since we have no wish for our scheme of justice 
to go astray, we should be delighted that a person of your standing should make 
a preliminary trial of the Stake, to discover how it performs its function.

ACHRAS: Oh, but it's like this, look you, not on your life-that's too much. I 
regret, look you, that I can't perform this little service for you, but it just 
doesn't make sense at all. You've stolen my house from me, look you. You've told 
me to bugger off and now you want to put me to death, oh no, that's going too 
far.

UBU: Don't distress yourself, my good friend. It was just our little joke. We 
shall return when you have quite recovered your composure.

(Exit.)

(The Three Palcontents come out of the chests.)

(Song)

THE THREE P's: 	We are the Palcontents 
			We are the Palcontents 
			With a face like a rabbit 
			Which seldom prevents 
			Our bloody good habit of croaking 
			the bloke wot lives on his rents. 
			We are the Pals 
			We are the Cons 
			We are the Palcontents. 

CRAPENTAKE:	In a great box of stainless steel 
		Imprisoned all the week we feel 
		That Sunday is the only day 
		When we're allowed our getaway. 
		Ears to the wind, without surprise 
		We march along with vigorous step 
		And all the passersby cry "Hep" 
		Those must be bloody poor G.I.'s. 

THE THREE:	We are the Palcontents, etc.

BINANJITTERS:	Every morning we get called 
			With the Master's boot on our behind 
			And half-awake our backs are galled 
			By the bleeding kit we have to mind 
			Then all day long with hammer greasy 
			We bash your skulls in good and easy 
			Till we restore to Pa Ube 
			The dough from the stiffs we've croaked this day. 

THE THREE:	We are the Palcontents, etc.

(They dance. Achras terrified sits down on a chair.)

FOURZEARS:	In our ridiculous loonyforms 
		We wander through the streets so pansy 
		Till we can plug the bockle-an-jug 
		Of any guy whom we don't fancy. 
		We get our eats through platinum teats 
		We pee through a tap without a handle 
		And we inhale the atmostale 
		Through a tube as bent as a Dutchman's candle. 

THE THREE:	We are the Palcontents, etc.

(They dance round Achras.)

ACHRAS: O but it's like this, look you, it's ridiculous, it doesn't make sense 
at all.

(The stake rises under his chair.)

Oh, dear, I don't understand it, if you were only my polyhedra, oh dear, look 
you, have mercy on a poor old professor. Look - look you - There's no sense in 
it, you see.

(He is impaled and raised in the air despite his cries. It grows pitch dark).

THE PALCONTENTS: (ransacking the furniture and pulling out money bags from it) 
Give the finances to Pa Ubu. Give all the finances- to Pa Ubu - let nothing 
remain, not one sou, to go down the drain for the Revenue. Give all the finance 
to Pa Ubu!

(Going back into their chests.)

We are the Pals, we are the Cons, we are the Palcontents.

(Achras loses consciousness.)

* * *

(Achras [impaled], Pa Ubu, Ma Ubu.)

UBU: By my Green Candle, my sweet child, how happy we shall be in this house!

MRS. UBU: There is only one thing lacking to my happiness, my friend, and that 
is to meet the worthy host who has placed such entertainment within our grasp.

UBU: Don't let that upset you, my dear, to forestall your every wish I have had 
him set up here in the place of honour!

(He points to the stake. Screams and hysterics from Madame Ubu.)