Eric		Wooooo! NICE SHOOTING SOLDIER! (Pause, then Loudly Enter Man in Tuxedo)
Man in Tux		STOP THAT WEDDING!! (everyone suddenly pays attention, even Doug and Kate who have been getting very physical. Long pause) Oh, excuse me... I'm very sorry, (exit Man in Tuxedo. All return to their previous respective states of apathy or passion.)
Ned		Well. Where was I? (looking at the board)
Kate		(pause in passionate embrace only long enough to deliver line and resume. Calling to him without looking at him very quickly as if she had committed to memory everything he had said...) She's there waiting to solve all your problems for you, only you people don't even care.
Ned		Ah yes. The glorious Quadratic. (Suddenly with inspiration) You know what the quadratic equation is? (Pause, chuckling) It's radical (hysterical laughter from Ned only. Everyone else maintains whatever they're doing.)Get it? (pointing to the Square root sign in the formula) RADICAL! (Pauses waiting for response, Eric cheers wildly, another student falls to the floor and remains there. Enter very bloody Wayne Turgidson frantically dressed in surgical garb. He has apparently walked out on a major brain operation that for some unknown reason is occurring in the hall. He is overcome with self doubt.)
Wayne		Oh my god!! (Shouting and falling to his knees.) I don't know what I'm doing!!
Ned		(very calmly) Wayne Turgidson, this tardiness has got to stop; do you have a pass?
Eric		(loving it) Yeah Turgidson/ Where's your pass, dork?
Wayne		You don't understand, Mr. Carson. I have a patient out there dying because of my wretched scatterbrain, and you want a pass?
Ned		Look Wayne, I'm sick of excuses. You're looking at detention. (enter Frank Smiley furiously. He is also bloody and wearing surgical garb.)
Frank		Dammit Turgidson, your patient is dying! You are a neurosurgeon; you don't just walk out on an operation!
Wayne		I know, Frank. I know. I just went blank as we were about to breach the corpus colossum. (pause then whimsically) I'll tell you what it was like! It was like when you're trying to remember an actor's name. It's right on the tip of your tongue, but just out of reach. I'm standing there, and suddenly I don't know an amygdala from a hypothalamus... then I look at the time and realize I'm late for math... again.
Frank		You walk out of emergency brain surgery for a stupid math class? (Eric rises menacingly)
Wayne		Hey, my education comes first.
Frank		Are numbers going to help that guy on the table? Maybe a few derivatives will repair his brain stem? You gonna save that guy's life with a matrix? I ask you (challenging Ned) What are you going to do to solve this little problem teach? (all eyes are on Ned, even the people who have collapsed have awakened and gathered around to see the showdown. Finally even Doug shows interest.
(long pause/ the music to Ennio Morricone's "Theme from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" can be heard briefly.)
Ned		(smugly) Eric, do you care to handle this one?
Eric		(pause) Did you try... .(painfully long pause).........factoring?
Frank		(pause, then embarrassed and stammering) Well... uh... (looks at Wayne for support, but he is looking at the floor in shame, then shamefully) of course. I guess I just wasn't thinking. I guess I had better head back. (to Wayne) You coming?
Wayne		Um uh no. You think you can handle it?
Frank		Yeah I got it now that I have that (embarrassed) uh factoring tip. That should get me through the rest of the procedure.
Intense passionate physicality between Doug and Kate builds to a surreal crescendo. Doug is completely out of control. This should play as an animalistic frenzy. Kate at first is excited, but then becomes panicky. Ned rushes to his desk and opening a drawer, pulls out a whip and lashes Doug mercilessly for a period of time far longer than it takes Doug to stop the offending activity. The whipping goes on and on. Kate leaves straightening her clothes. The other students act as though nothing strange is going on. Eric is frantic with excitement encouraging Ned.
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