|
|
|
| Judy |
|
Mr.
Carson? Do you have a moment? |
| Ned
|
|
(his
back is to her, he is disinterested-absorbed in his math) Yes Mrs.
Sweeney, but call me Ned. |
| Judy |
|
(seems
to be in a hurry, speaks with a condescending southern accent) |
|
|
Oh, ok, sure
Ted. Listen, you're going to be getting a new student today. He's
a transfer from out of town, and we just got information about
him today. His name is Doug, and he apparently has some severe
learning problems. He doesn't socialize well, he has trouble in
all of his subjects, except for government and economics for some
reason, and seems generally withdrawn.
|
| Ned
|
|
(pause
while scrutinizing the board, then noticing her) Uh-huh. |
|
Judy |
|
Well
he's being placed in your room "C" period. (Pause, then as if she
senses that he is angry, she offers her standard counselor flattery
line in a tone that is noticeably insincere) You just have a good
rapport with the kids, and uh we just think you would do a good
job accommodating his learning style and, uh, special needs. The
kids really look up to you, Ed. |
| Ned |
|
Ned.
(writing on the board) |
| Judy |
|
I'm
sorry, Ned. (Waits for response, but Ned is too absorbed in the
math. She looks at the board trying to see what he sees.) |
| Ned |
|
(He
notices her looking, stares at her with intent. Then erotically...)
You know Judy, trinomials are by far the most beautiful of all the
polynomials. There's nothing coy about a trinomial, Judy. (Moving
closer to her, looking at her body) I love everything about c-c-c-c-c-conic
sections. (Stuttering) |
| Judy |
|
(Looking
at him with fright and crossing her arms over her chest) What in
the hell are you talking about? You....... freak! (She runs from
the room.) |
| (As
she is leaving Ned turns around, looks at the board and collapses
against it as if to embrace it. He moves his hands around on the
board smearing the writing as Walter enters through the same door.) |
| Walter
|
|
(Concerned)
Hey Ned, What's the matter with Judy Sweeney? I just saw her running
and cry-(noticing the board for the first time) Whoa man, nice trinomials. |
| Ned |
|
(Stepping
up to the board to erase and start over.) Yeah. Whaddya need, Walter? |
| Walter |
|
(Confidentially)
I heard you're getting the new kid, this Doug. |
| Ned |
|
(writing)
Uh-huh. |
| Walter |
|
You're
up for tenure this year, aren't you? |
| Ned |
|
Uh-huh. |
| Walter |
|
Well
then this is it, buddy. This is your tenure test.(pause) You know,
your tenure test. (pause)Aw come on, man. Smell the coffee; read
the writing on the wall. They're testing you. Seeing if you can
take it. Yep, I remember my test. Poor kid named Larry Plebner.
Had Tourette's syndrome. Screamed "BOOGERS" at the top of his lungs
every 3 or 4 minutes. Try graphing a polar projection with that
going on. |
| Ned
|
|
(suddenly
profoundly interested) You get to do polar projections?! |
| Walter |
|
Oh
yeah, polar projections. Imaginary numbers, matrices.(As Walter
mentions these, Ned again collapses against the board in sensuous
delirium then gradually returns to his reconstruction of the quadratic
formula) Yeah, but I didn't crack. Never even went to the office
about it. That's what they want you know. No boat rocking. Take
care of it in class. Poor kid spent half the school year in my supply
cabinet. (nostalgically to himself) Sometimes I can still smell
him in there, (pause) Yep, take my advice, Ned. Don't make any waves.
Just go along. (Exit Walter) |
| Ned |
|
Uh-huh.
(The bell rings.) |
| (Enter
students in groups of two or three. Kate and Jeff enter together.
Jeff is good looking, but tough and mean. Kate is strikingly attractive.
She is wearing a skirt and fairly low cut blouse. Also enter Doug,
a full-grown Rwandan silver-back mountain gorilla. He sits in front
of Kate. Jeff sits behind Kate. Eric sits on the front row and is
profoundly interested in the lesson. Everyone else is quite disinterested
and either stares vacantly or is asleep. |
| Ned
|
|
Alright
class, I believe we have a new student in the class, (pauses, looks
around as if trying to spot the new face. Looks at the paper that
Judy left...)It says here that he's from Rwanda, (pauses again for
response. looks around the room) Is there a Doug here? |
| (upon
hearing his name, Doug leaps to his feet and beats his chest with
great speed and sudden intensity. He also lets out a powerful simian
roar. The other students react with apathy and disinterest. Pause) |
|
|
Ok.
(to class) Class this is Doug (pause-no response..one asleep student
falls to the floor and remains there. Pause) Ok. |
| Eric |
|
(annoyed)
Enough of this jawin'; Bring on the numbers! (Eric should not be
dressed as a Geek. He should be large, athletic, and his lines should
be delivered as though he were a sports fan yelling things from
the stands. Sometimes with annoyance, as if complaining to a referee,
sometimes with unbridled joy and enthusiasm. During the following
math lesson he constantly cheers {yeah, wooo, etc.}for each phrase
Ned utters building to a passionate crescendo.) |
| Ned |
|
Right
you are mister, (then turning and keeping his back to the class)
I introduced quadratic equations yesterday...and today I want to
show you one of the most sublime expressions in all of mathematics:
(writing the words) The... Quadratic... Formula. Just look at this.
(writing as he speaks) Negative B plus or minus the square root
of B squared minus four A C all over two A. (emotionally)Look at
its subtle beauty, (a nameless/ sleeping student falls to the floor
from his desk and remains there for the remainder of the play. He
is unnoticed by the rest of the characters.) The quadratic formula,
although cumbersome, will solve any quadratic equation. For many
equations, there are other, easier methods at arriving at a solution,
but these methods are limited in that they do not apply in all situations.
It's comforting in a way to know that the good old quadratic formula
is always there as a backup when easier solutions fail. It's just
so comprehensive in its scope. NOT JUST PLUS; NOT JUST MINUS, BUT
PLUS OR MINUS, (pause-then openly weeping) It's not some trendy,
fly by night, one night stand, short-cut formula. It's like a faithful
wife. Always there plugging away. Even when you go off and have
some wild fling with some cheap whore solution, she's waiting for
you, loving you, just in case you come home unsatisfied. |
| (As
Ned becomes overcome momentarily with emotion, Doug purposefully
drops his book so that Kate will pick it up. When she stoops to
pick it up, he looks down her revealing blouse, stands up and beats
his chest furiously. She notices him looking, their eyes meet, she
strokes his fur then aggressively thrusts him back in his desk,
sits in his lap, and they begin to kiss passionately. Jeff is getting
angry.) |
|
|
She's
there waiting to solve all your problems for you (then turning quickly
to face the class. Viciously, and brandishing a pistol...) ONLY
YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN CARE! (he shoots Jeff six times. No one notices
except Eric.) |