Text by Michael O'Donoghue                      Photos by Eric Bach

I opened the door to find her rolling about on the floor, nude save for a yellow aqualung, murmuring to a squirming mackerel pressed between her flushed thighs: "Sock it to me, baby! Sock it to me!"
To digress for a moment, it all began when I chanced to visit a midtown pet shop to purchase a box of Dog Yummies for my Bedlington terrier. I was about to leave when she walked in , a sultry brunette who asked the clerk for an aquarium thermometer, some colored rocks, and a plastic sand castle.
"Will that be all , miss?"
"Oh, yes … and 2500 pound of Hartz Mountain Fish Food!"
I sensed an opening.
"2500 pounds of Hartz Mountain Fish Food!?! What are you keeping in that aquarium of yours … Moby Dick?"

She smiled and rejoined, "Buzz off, clown!"
I countered with a few time-tested gambits:
"Do you come here often?"
"Let's fall by my pad and blow some pot!"
"You're only young once or, as Omar Khayyám put it - 'The rose that once bloomed forever dies!'"
"What did you think of Bonnie and Clyde?"
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ma petite chou-chou?"
"My, what sensitive hands … you must be a Gemini … Libra? … Cancer? …"
Finally she melted.